Week 78, Anxiety, Anger, PTSD, Music, Streaming/Gaming, and Help?

To start, I apologize for this being late, I attempted to record a video earlier and had technology problems, I was emotional about what I was talking about, and I had all kinds of phone calls come in and had forgotten to silence the alerts on my computer. On the subject of calls, I was trying to power through all the alerts and calls, and my wife called me multiple times in a row and I was being emotional and selfish and ignoring her. I finally just stopped recording, and unfortunately, my sadness and frustration turned to anger. So I call my wife back and I am speaking in short harsh toned phrases, the short is she needed me to transfer some to cover my medicine from the pharmacy, well I'm angry and being selfish and not thinking about anything other than a deal I had set up for a MacBook similar to mine that I was getting an awesome deal on because it needs work. In short I basically told my wife to screw the medication and come home, then I hung up on her.  She called me back, as nothing has happened, and calmly asked what medicine I needed to get by until she got paid. I responded still in harsh tones that I honestly would take the last of the meds she was picking up tonight. At this point, the switch in my head flips to comments I had made about 2 hours earlier to my doctor about being willing to do what was needed to get my life back. Trying to be more polite I tell her that I am sending the money and I'll cancel my deal, which sucks as that was my birthday present to me. But, needs have to supersede wants. We hang up, it's at this point I realized what I had done because I was being selfish. I had spoken to my wife/partner/cheerleader in a nasty manner and intentionally hung up on her, which I know to be a hot button for her. This did not have a good effect on my emotional state. First I hate to fail, second I do not tolerate anyone being rude, hateful, etc, to my wife, I get twice as mad when the person doing it is me. So I sent her a text apologizing for my actions and let her know why I was upset before talking to and taking out on her. I’ll be straight at this point I was an emotional train wreck. So she and my brother get home and I'm in tears and tell her I'm sorry, she hadn't been the text yet. She says ok then takes the crafting stuff she went out for to our room. I am sitting in my chair, blubbering. She comes back to the front to talk to me. She very politely asks if I intentionally hung up on her. Commence sobbing by me and I think I just nodded. She says politely that I know how much upsets her and to try not to do it again. The crybaby sobs out an I’m sorry, she says it's ok, then heads back to the room to work on her wreaths. I attempt to going back to list stuff on my brother's eBay store, but I'm a mess She comes back up to grab something for her wreaths or grab a drink, I can't remember, looks at me, and asks me what is got me upset now. To her, it was over and done with, I explained as best I could, and she was like honey it's over I love you. She couldn't really access me as I had my workstation and other things surrounding me. But she held my hands and talked to me to help me calm down. 

We will now jump back in time seven days. So highlights of last week. There are two really big things we will cover first. 

First up, psychotherapy, so I am supposed to be writing a paper. For most people the paper is to be focus on a single event. You continue doing this with your therapist one thing or series of things at a time. In discussions with my therapist, we realized that I don’t serapate my negative experiences, the feelings from one event directly or indirectly impact every other event. So my paper is to write about three major sections that are causing my anxiety and PTSD, while show how the first one influences the second and third, etc. The way the assignment is designed is that on day one you write everything down you remember, the next day you read it to yourself and see what new memories spark. Then you revise it every day. I have worked  for several hours a session for about 6 days total and I am halfway through the secondary set of events that cause about 40% of my issues. The first set of events only caused about 10% of my problems but have impacted and influenced the other two heavily. I have over 5 pages of text into this. I’m hoping to finish it and have at least one day for rereading and revise. I will say that the pain you relive is intense and it messes with your mind. 

Major issue two last week, that’s right my back. The muscles in my mid to low back have been locked up for two weeks. On back days they tighten up so much that all I feel in my legs is my nerves on fire. Not fun and incredibly difficult to walk. I have to move my walker forward then look down to see if my feet are going where I want them to go, while trying to control my breathing as I get very winded walking to the living room when I’m not in severe pain. These muscles also tighten around my diaphragm which makes it extremely hard to breathe, not to mention that if there is a pain spike I have been either partially or completely blacking out been lucky for the most part and have had only one fall, which of course was last week. I was sitting on my bed shaking out my morning cobwebs, had grabbed my clothes to get dressed, when Mother Nature tells me it’s time to confer with John. So I do what must be done. I was going back to sit on the bed catch my breath and get ready. I reach what I call the barrier. This is where the hope chest is at the end of the bed and it’s too tight for a walker or whatever to be used and marks where I must maneuver without aide. So I reach this point and I toss my phone the bed so I can kind of use the wall as support. We now move forward roughly twenty minutes. I remember blinking my eyes like I was waking from a dream. At this point, I begin to feel a sharp pain in my lefthand shoulder and very intense dull pain hin a sensitive area for guys. I noticed that my fold-out tv tray was against my leg and my bedside nightstand. The best I can do figure is that the pain spiked I blacked out inside the barrier. Ran my shoulder and knocked the tv tray out while falling managed to catch in a sensitive area. This problem composed the therapy problem as the way my back was. I chose to stay in bed most days as I don’t want to possibly fall. This meant several days where i could not get up from to my computer.

So I’m frustrated the winter storm, my back keeping me down so I’m behind on homework. On Thursday I get a text from the The clinic telling me they were closing the clinic, on Friday due to the winter storm, and we had to call a schedule an appointment. The text was late in the day, due to lateness in the afternoon the wait Que was full. So I would have to try on Friday. I was pretty angry to have to call and wait on hold for an appointment that has had uto be rescheduled three time. Stuff happens and doctors have stuff come up,  and they need to reschedule, this is normally handled by a nurse. So I was highly upset that I would have to sit on hold for hours. 

The weekend was cool went up front, hung out tried to get some listings up. Watched a lot of Zelda on Sunday because it was the 35th anniversary of the release. Called my pawpaw and just had a good time I was getting ready to go to the bedroom, my lift chiar started whining and I got desperate for help. So I put up posts on Sunday night to my Go Fund Me and my Facebook basically begging for help I set up the Facebook one for people who may not really know or trust go fund me. I have had a few message that are more old school and are sending me checks. I hate the I feel asking for money but I’m broke and desperately need help. Please if you are able, I really need help me too get a better life. If you don’t have the money to help I beg share my situation and links on your page, in a help group you maybe in. My birthday is this Friday and the best gift that my friends and family unite to help me improve my life. The title say something about music, streaming, and gaming! What could this be about? Well some knuckle head likes to play games playing through the old NES Final Fantasy at the moment, but I’m also thinking about working up an hour of music as well. I have a book with play along tracks so... These are streamed live to Twitch Facebook, and our YouTube. If you like my logo I do have some branded merchandise for sale. On the subject of music the boss has expressed interest in starting back up a song of day, which will be live on Facebook and YouTube. We also have two groups that may interest you the newly revived Morning Manna group for devotions and uplifting scriptures, talks or memes, the brand new Music and Gaming, a group to talk about and your favorite songs and games of any type. We encourage posting by our members, just know the groups and streaming sites are all ultra family friendly, so make sure what you share is as well, I understand especially in the Music and Gaming group, you may mention a song or game that has non-family elements in it. As long as you can discuss the game or song in a G rated way, including the title, have fun, make sure any links you share in the groups follow these guidelines as well. And now back to the rest ot our story. 

And we have circled to Monday morning. I got up earlier than usual hoping I could finish me assignment before I saw my therapist at 11:30 as the computer is powering up, I call the appointment line for my PCP. I’m about 45 minutes in to the call, typing away, and my phone makes the alert sound for when a call is terminated or dropped. I am but hacked because it was 45 minutes into an hour wait, I was also unhappy because apparently in the last two weeks they have removed the call back feature and you now wait. So, as I have no option, I start the call again. I take a breath and try to refocus on what I am typing, soon enough I am moving again, and we get to about the 45 minute mark, and raise your hand if you know what happened next...

Yes little Jimmy, what do you think happened?

That’s correct the call was either disconnected or terminated. 

I am seeing red and have 30 minutes to get about six hours of writing done and I message my therapist that I am trying to set up an appointment for my PCP and doubted I woukd be done in time for our appointment to Thursday. I hit the button to start the phone call again and resume my assignment. I get lost in time as I type things out. I hear a voice that I don’t recognize and remembered I was trying to get an appointment, I explained thw agent what was going on and that I needed the quickest appointment I could get. She tells that she tells ok your PCP will video me at 14:20. And I would be getting a call bit from the nurse to check me in mr get consent to do the visit. A few minutes later I get the call and we are set. I save my work, because I am drained. And I move to working on listings. Work on that until my gets home from work. So we chat for a minute. She heads to our room to work on her wreathes, my brother heads to the post office. It’s time for my appointment. She was on time and we tried the video chat and it is only doing audio, we both try various things but no go so she calls and said the consent I gave phone visits as well and if I needed video we could reschedule. I was polite but it was a struggle over burning me on the first visit. So very first thing we went over was that she saw where checked in online for the first visit I had but that check in doesn’t give the authorization they need for the dr call. That I should have gotten a call from a nurse for authorization.  I wasn’t aware that she could not get the authorization, what she said lined up with what the nurse told me the morning after that visit was missed, that checking in on the app doesn’t cover the authorization but that whoever was getting the authorizations the day before may have saw I was checked in and didn’t verify the authorization was done. I think it’s dumb you can’t sign in and give consent with the app, but my doctor sounded sincerely sorry about the situation, so I said no more. To summarize my visit, the doctor asked if I had received my wheelchair yet, short answer no, but her caseworker had been keeping me updated and the whole storm fiasco just slowed the process. My doctor said she was sending a new prescription over to the caseworker to resubmit. She knew I had missed a lab work appointment because of my back and had sent a message for an appointment to try to find something to help my back until we get the wheelchair so I can setup my appointments with a pain management specialist and physical therapy. She was honest that because of my psych meds she was limited on options but she was going to give me the strongest one she knewl wouldn’t interact with my meds until we got my wheelchair and I could get into a pain specialist. She asked a whole series of questions about how and where my back hurt and what exactly goes on during a flare up. So she wants X-rays of my lumbar and thoracic spine, as well as a wrist I have chronic issues with. Then the fun one I get to help her case worker find someone my insurance works with that has a MRI scanner that will accommodate me so we can get shots of the same two spinal regions, so that we can find a doctor that specializes in back surgery to see what they think. And from the email I sent to help she knew I wanted help with my weight, I said really do but the surgery scares me as I have had family and friends so stayed on their diets and would still get sick all the time, she asked if I would see a weight loss specialist to see all options not just surgery but medication and such. I think that’s everything. I did bring up weight loss so here’s the short version, been eating less total. Trying to move to healthier foods and cut back on chocolate 😭. That’s the hard one. If you have read this far you’re awesome. I am going to share the two links so if you feel led to donate awesome if you want to share and see if someone you know can help awesome and if you can do both extra awesome. FaceBook Go Fund MeAs always feel free to comment below.