About Me

This is who I see in the mirror...

At 43, I have just started caring about myself because my death from a heart attack is almost a certainty.  I am 6"1' and was 580lbs at my heaviest.  My once golden hair has turned to a dirty silvery mix, and my sky blue eyes have turned almost gray.  The fire I once had for life has all but gone.  My grand plan for life hasn't failed, it was never started.  I stayed at the starting gate out of fear.  It seems everything I start I don't finish.  Not because I am not able but because I for some reason don't want to succeed.  I truly believe I could have been anything I chose to become, and yet it seems I have chosen to become nothing.  I have subconsciously decided that I can never fail if I never try.  This in and of itself has caused me to fail.  I have decided that I can't live like this anymore.  Not that this state of being can really be called living, it is more existing and just taking up space.  As it has been said it is time to either get busy living or get busy dying.  Being bedridden unable to care for myself feels pretty useless most days. 
Update, I am starting to believe that I may actually be a useful human. The blogs are getting better. I’m  going to play a game musicians call busting your chops. I am going to rebuild the muscles in my mouth. On the subject of rebuilding muscles as soon as I can make to my wheelchair safely, I can go to external physical therapy and pain management etc. Just have to keep pushing. I could use help with medical bills and seed money for a wheelchair van. If you can help I would appreciate it. 


My last day of work before I was laid up

Something a bit more recent.




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